AIRPORT SECURITY

I recently came back from a visit to the US. I took a plane, which as you know is the fastest mode of transportation around. ONCE it gets airborne. Yeah, you know where I’m going with this. The dreaded security check.

Now, I have a Nexus pass. That means I’ve been pre-screened by both the Canadian and US governments, had my fingerprints taken and stored, and I have an iris scan to get through the machine check. They may well have implanted an RFID chip in me somewhere. Things got a little fuzzy partway though the process.

Even so, I had to take off my jacket, belt, shoes, most of my jewelry, and then go through the scanner or the x-ray machine, or get a very, uh, THOROUGH pat-down. I mean, I’ve had CHECK-UPS that weren’t this in-depth. Which got me thinking… if I’m going to take off half my clothes, be poked, prodded, x-rayed, and questioned anyhow, why not just give me a hospital gown and a physical while I’m there?

I ALREADY have to get to the airport two or three hours before my flight, and sit around playing Angry Birds on my iPhone while drinking a six-dollar bottle of water. Why not make this time PRODUCTIVE?! Why shouldn’t I get something out of all this?

After I get through check-in, they can test my reflexes, do a quick blood test for the ol’ cholesterol level, check me for moles… before international flights, there’d probably be time for a full colonoscopy. THAT doubles as an extra security protocol, of course. Once that’s all done, I go through the full-body x-ray machine actually, maybe they could replace that with an MRI!

Wouldn’t you rather hear “Your blood pressure is great, Mr. Smith” than “you didn’t disclose this fruit bar in your carry-on, sir”?

And think of the side benefits! Airports are often subsidized by governments. But now, they could make money by offering medical services. I can see them now…

The Charles de Gaulle Gall Bladder Clinic… the Hartsfield Heart Centre… maybe Love Field Fertility Specialists. This could be a gold mine!